My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
