i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
