how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My liver just had a heart attack.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
