I wannas sexs uuuuu
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
