and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
