Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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