I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
