I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just sucked dick on a ferry
he just fucked me for my cheese.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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