I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
