Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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