a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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