Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize