i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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