This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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