I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
