it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
