i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So many bounce houses so little time
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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