My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
