if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
