tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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