In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
