I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize