my phone needs a breathalizer
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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