Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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