you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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