Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Mom said you looked used
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
