why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
