Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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