god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
