i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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