I accidentally had phone sex last night
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
