Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
