I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
