he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
