Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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