theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We need to rekindle our bromance
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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