genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
