well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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