a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
