he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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