I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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