How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Holy shit dude........stairs
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
