i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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