dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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