And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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