I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
