I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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