My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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