Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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