girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
