nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize