I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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