he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
