I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
