he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
