I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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