someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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