from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize