i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
