i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize