sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
