apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Two words: blizzard sex
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
